Aisuru Koto; Utsukushii Koto short-story

  • Title: 愛すること
  • Author: Konohara Narise
  • Illustrator: Hidaka Shouko
  • Pairing: Honest salaryman x Succesful (ex-)crosdresser
  • Dramacd: no
    • Seme: /
    • Uke: /
  • Summary based on: NOVEL
  • Availability in English: NONE

I didn’t intend to post this before reading and summarising Itoshii Koto, but… the thing is, I really disliked the sequel (basing on the dramacd) and can’t get myself to complete volume 2. Rather, Itoshii Koto was painful and irritable. The story isn’t bad, au contraire, we get to understand Hirosue’s POV. But… I just don’t like him, point finish. Basically, I skipped everything and  only read the last chapters, how Hirosue is suffering (mwahahahaha, you deserved it!) and trying to confess to Matsuoka.  I remember when I finished the dramacd, how left on my hunger I felt. After all the shit Matsuoka has gone through, the reader/listener deserves to learn some of their (Matsuoka’s) happiness! And Aisuru Koto was an answer to those prayers ♥

Summary:

(What happened before in Itoshii Koto:
Hirosue has moved back to his hometown after getting fired along with some fellow employees. He feels very inferior towards Matsuoka who just got promoted and when the latter proposes a job at his senpai’s place, Hirosue is offended and becomes all mean to Matsuoka, telling him they will never be more than friends. They meet each other again months later at Hirosue’s ex’ wedding. Matsuoka moved and changed his contact info, so Hirosue was unable to find him. Matsuoka remained cold towards him, and Hirosue felt very lonely. Even if he didn’t have a romantic interest in Matsuoka, he really enjoyed being with him. Hirosue then drank himself halfdead after the wedding, and kindhearted Matsuoka took him back to the hotel. Hirosue once again requests to give him another chance discovering his true feelings for Matsuoka, and stupid Matsuoka gives in. Due to Hirosue’s desire to stay longer with Matsuoka, he pulls him into the shinkansen to his hometown. This drags on, and on the last moment, he finally finds the courage and says he loves Matsuoka. Matsuoka doesn’t believe this, and proposes to sleep together, figuring that Hirosue will back out on the last moment. But Hirosue didn’t. Still, H doesn’t solve everything, Matsuoka gets hysteric and cries out all the pain and agony
he has suffered the past months. Hirosue realises his shortcomings and vows to himself that he’ll change. He then sends Matsuoka off to the station. The shinkansen leaves and he counts the days before he is to see Matsuoka again.)

Even though they said their goodbyes just a few hours ago, Matsuoka already misses Hirosue. At work, he’s distracted, he can  still feel the fingers of the previous on his body. He wonders how something that has devastated him for the past 6 months, can become so blissful in just one weekend. Because of this and him being unable to sit without pain, he goes for a cigarette-break. In the smokers’ room, he is joined by a subordinate. This subordinate brings up the topic of their love life, and then complains how his girlfriend wants him to cut down his cigarettes. Matsuoka then realises that Hirosue as a non-smoker might dislike him for smoking, and like this, he decides to quit at once. That’s right, he does realise that Hirosue must truly love him. However, Matsuoka is unable to trust that guy’s wishy-washy nature. No wonder, he has been dumped twice before, so the insecurity can’t be easily disregarded. That’s why he’s still trying his best not to say or do things that Hirosue might dislike, he’s that afraid to be dumped again.
The following Friday, it was decided that Hirosue would come to Tokyo and sleep over at Matsuoka’s place. They have been mailing and calling each other, yet Matsuoka is still nervous about the upcoming reunion. They meet and proceed to have dinner. The atmosphere however isn’t very desirable. Matsuoka initiates some small talk, but Hirosue’s short answers unable him to continue the conversation. Is he tired? Matsuoka is very disappointed, that week, he has been yearning and yearning like there was no end for him, and now it turned like this. Are they to spend the whole weekend in such an awkward atmosphere? Matsuoka really desires Hirosue, he’s unable to forget that precious night. But he is afraid showing this lowly feeling, fearing that it may disgust Hirosue. Very despirited, they arrive at his apartment. To his utter surprise, Hirosue suddenly grabs him once he closed the door, and gives him a passionate kiss! Just as sudden the great mood started, just as sudden it went down to a minor. Hirosue also doesn’t know what to do. When they get to sit on the sofa, Matsuoka is faced to more dilemmas, should he sit next to Hirosue, or opposite of him? He decides to play safe and sits on the other side. Matsuoka reflects how he had been pondering whether to replace his single bed by a double bed, and whether he needed to buy an extra futon. Is Hirosue the kind that likes to cuddle in bed with his partner (hehehe, Hirosue wondered about the same thing in Itoshii Koto :p), or is he more the kind to prefer an own bed to sleep in? Well, in the end he bought the double bed, if he purchased it later, Hirosue would most definitely think that Matsuoka bought it especially for the both of them to sleep in, unlike now, he can pretend the double bed has always been there. With Matsuoka so lost in thoughts, Hirosue calls his name and touches his arm. Then there’s silence. Matsuoka realises what he is trying to say but has no courage to do so, so he says the words for him. “Let’s move to the bedroom.”
They kiss, they touch, they love, but because Hirosue is so talented in ruining moods, he mentions they forgot to shower, and asks Matsuoka whether they should take one. Matsuoka sighs, and considers since the weather is so hot, he can’t forbid Hirosue not to take one. But then he’s surprised by Hirosue’s bold suggestion to take one together. At first he’s reluctant, the chances are high that Hirosue would be disgusted by his obvious male body. But after some assurance, he complies. The bathtub is cramped, and it must be a comical sight to see two grownups holding each other in such a narrow place, but Matsuoka is happy. If possible, he’d like to spend the whole weekend together, but unfortunately, there was already a previous engagement with a senpai, the lawyer guy (mentioned in Itoshii Koto). This senpai left a famous company to start an own business, and when they’re together in a bar, he complains about this girl who is anything but serious in her work. Fortunately she is getting married soon and is quitting his firm. He inquires whether this earnest guy that Matsuoka had mentioned is still available. Matsuoka is torn. Last time he tried to help Hirosue finding a job ended in him returning to his hometown, so he doesn’t dare to propose a job to him again. Yet he’s dissatisfied seeing each other only in the weekends, and holds a strong wish for seeing each other every day. He promises his senpai to talk it over with this friend, and then they separate.
Their blissful life continues for the next 2 months. Because Matsuoka is worried about Hirosue’s expenses (with him being so obstinate in paying the restaurant bills) he has started to cook their own meals, under the pretense of “health”. Hirosue still comes over every weekend, and when they aren’t together, there are daily phone calls and emails. Then Matsuoka mentions (carefully) he wants Hirosue to live in Tokyo again. Since then, the phone calls and mails lessen, and Hirosue isn’t able to spend every weekend in Tokyo anymore. Due to work, according to him. Matsuoka is very worried, before, Hirosue used the same tactic to distance himself, is history to repeat again? The greatest blow comes when he spots Hirosue’s silhouette in Tokyo in a weekend he wasn’t supposed to be there. Devestated, he drowns himself in alcohol and starts smoking again. The next day, he was so distracted that he even shaved his beard, the goatee that Hirosue liked to fondle that much (ironically, he used to be disgusted by that same face-hair; the main reason why he hated to kiss Matsuoka in Itoshii Koto). When he returns from work, his plans were to drown himself in alcohol again, but is surprised by a familiar face at home. What is Hirosue doing here on a weekday? Hirosue tells Matsuoka that there’s a place he likes to show Matsuoka, only 10 minutes further. Turns out Hirosue rented an apartment in Tokyo! Originally, there were plans of moving back to Tokyo once things were settled back home and when had found a new job. But when he heard Matsuoka’s wish, there was nothing that stopped him from moving back to Tokyo anymore. While Matsuoka is disappointed that Hirosue hadn’t thought of a cohabitation, he reprimands himself that he mustn’t be too greedy. At first, they spend their loving life together at Hirosue’s, but because neighbours complained about the “nocturnal noise”, they moved their nightly activities to Matsuoka’s place, as Hirosue loves hearing the other guy’s moans.
In mean time, Matsuoka had met up with senpai, and after explaining the situation (not mentioning that they’re an item of course), senpai suggested that Hirosue should be introduced to him, and that he will propose the job himself. So like this, the three meet, and as Matsuoka feared, Hirosue’s face really darkened after hearing the job-proposal. He accepts however, and on the road back, they walk in silence. At Matsuoka’s place, Hirosue lies he needs to buy something, when he only means that he wants to be alone for a while. All left alone again with his angst and worries, and really regretting his deeds Matsuoka turns to alcohol. After 3 cans, the door opens, and there’s Hirosue. His face is still clouded, and Matsuoka can’t help but apologise again. Hirosue tells him that he shouldn’t apologise and that he isn’t angry with him. Rather, he’s angry with himself. That Matsuoka had to use such a roundabout method in order not to offend him. That Matsuoka doesn’t trust him. He knows he only has himself to blame for such an outcome, but he’d like Matsuoka to be more frank, that he is able of making wilful requests, that he points out all his failure points. Matsuoka then blurts out his deepest wish, which is the both of them living together.
Months pass again. Hirosue is employed at senpai’s firm. It’s going well with our couple. Matsuoka receives a mail, Hirosue will cook tonight, even though he really sucks in cooking. But Matsuoka knows, Hirosue will try his best. -end

I still think Matsuoka is still too good for Hirosue, and it’s a pity that such an able man has become so dependant on love. But Matsuoka is happy like this, so I’m happy for him too. Hopefully he will be able to be more at ease and have more confidence with Hirosue in the future. Seriously, he’ll get bald if he continues worrying this much! But it really was endearing and sad at the same time, how Matsuoka was pondering over the smallest details, it just shows how much he cares about Hirosue. I loved it how awkward they were with each other after that night, they both clearly want each other, but are afraid to offend the other or get disliked . In short, they don’t know what they are allowed to expect of their relationship. This is so realistic, usually in BL, the seme’s confidence is overflowing, and it’s like, once the L-word is out, everything is solved and the relationship turns smooth sailing. Hirosue is still same old, he even checked on the internet about gay sex since he’s so diligent, and doesn’t have a wide vocabulary, repeating “how cute Matsuoka is” in bed (according to Matsuoka, it must be because Hirosue isn’t used to talking, nevertheless, he’s overjoyed by these simple words) Hirosue has his cute moments, but he still can irritate me very often.

Btw, the covers are just gorgeous. Love the details of the dress, watch and shoe. Hidaka-sensei isn’t only a great illustrator, she also draws very interesting manga. An old manga of hers has been dramatised last month. I haven’t listened to Restart (Kondou Takashi x Toriumi Kousuke) yet and while I only vaguely recall the story of this manga,  the awesome art and droolworthy characters are still imprinted in my memory. Restart is licensed in English by June. As for the choice of seiyuu, I imagined a more mature voice than Kondou Takashi for the seme, but considering he’s supposed to be younger, it’s not that bad of a choice I guess, and ToriKou is always dangerous for my blood pressure whenever he voices an uke~ (pervy grin)

The reason why I used their names in some parts, and refer to them as seme-uke, is because I copy-pasted an old summary from my archive. fixed

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